M4 M5 Kink

Fantasy and Reality

Many of us harbour secret fantasies about abduction, sexual slavery torture and violence, and more extreme practices for many, many years. We may well find that the pressure to act out these fantasies gets greater as we get older until we feel we must act. Be wary!  You will be very unlikely to arrange that at the drop of a hat, if ever. No matter what your fantasy the reality is likely to be different. Get to know yourself and understand yourself not an easy thing to do when you are being driven by a torrent of raging emotions, and be careful.

Especially be wary of the people you are contacting. They may well be acting out their fantasies too, with no concern for others and no real intention of following through. They will be using you for their own cheap thrill and it could be your time money and disappointment that pays for it.

Anonimity

Most of the people you will met on the Scene are genuine and reasonable and the day's of The Media trawling for their next victim seem to be over.  However there are inevitably disagreements and unfortunately one or two of the people you might meet will be petty and spiteful.

So it is wise to be cautious.  Before diving into the Scene, look at your life.  If there is absulutely any aspect of it which would be harmed by exposure, and this must apply to most people, take precautions.  Create and use an anonymous email address for use in the scene.  Keep your surrname private, and your address, and if your job is at all sensitve don't tell people what exactly it is that you do.  I work in Admin/ a shop/ a factory, is usually enough for most people.  If it's  not, wonder why. And think carefully before including a facial photograph on any Internet Profiles.

If John lets it be known his surname is Smith, tells people he is a Teacher and puts his picture on a profile looking for partners to abuse, albeit consensually, he is asking for trouble.

Nicknames

As much to convey who they are as for ano nimty, many people use nicknames in the Scene and it will help to seperate you fom all the other Johns who don't have surnames.

They tend to stick, so it's worth spending ten minutes finding the right one before you start.

Safe Sane and Consensual

These are the bywords of the BDSM Community. Sometimes they are overlooked.  Keep them in the forefront of your mind.  If you are invited into or become involved in anything that falls outside being Safe, Sane and Consensual for all involved - run a mile!

Staying Safe

The Scene, unfortunately is like the rest of society, there are lots of people in it who we could well do without.  As a minority of social misfits we tend to be welcoming to everybody, so our lifestyle is a magnet for those who don't fit in and have nowhere else to go.  Be wary.

Predators
                                  
People, both men and women,  who are newly exploring their submissive inclinations, are likely to be vulnerable. They can have long held, secret, pent-up needs which they have decided to act on for the first time, and as such can be regarded easy prey.

People coming new to the scene hoping to make friends at events would be well advised to join as many sites and groups as possible, especially Informed Consent, and read the discussions to get a sense of what is going on.

Find out what events are going on in your area, and seek out the popular well attended events and go to one of those. Try to talk to as many people as possible.

Be wary, do not trust anyone until you know them, and their reputation.  Don't be seduced by forthright approaches from charming confident  characters, and take your time before getting involved.  If they are genuine, they will understand.

If you are a submissive setting out to find friends on the Scene, or the Mistress or Master of your Dreams, via the Internet be especially wary of anyone proclaiming to be a well-respected scene figure who offers to take you under their protection - you may,  at least,  be the next in the long line of abused cast offs seen to  have poor judgement, and at worst, you could have your life ruined.

Time-wasters

If you are hoping to make friends over the internet, be especially wary: it is very easy for people to pretend to be other than what they are when hiding behind a keyboard - just as most of the beautiful nymphomaniacs on the internet are 14 year old schoolboys in Colorado, a lot of the god-like precences on the BDSM/Fetish Internet Scene are likely to be seedy characters skulking behind the keyboard in the spare bedroom while their loving spouse has taken the dogs for a walk. Such people waste an awful lot of time and create a lot of false hope and disappointment. Avoid them.

If a you have chosen to make contacts on the internet rather than in real life, speak on the telephone,  as soon as possible.  If someone won't do this, there is a reason - and it definitely won't be a good one!  Don't make any investments in a relationship, especially emotional ones, until you have met face to face.

Other Parasites

Sadly, too, there are other sad wearisome people in the Scene,  They pry, meddle , involve others in their dreary dramas, seek attention they don't deserve, claim status, rights and priviliges they don't have, claim favours they have no right to expect, sap your energy and drain your emotions.  Don't give them any special regard just because they were here before you,  Just say 'No', or tell them to Fuck 'Off!' - but don't be taken in and stay comfortable.

Fixed Ideas

A few people have their beliefs about BDSM rooted in a rigid philosophy, code of ethics and  standards of behaviour often based on some long-lost story and of little relevance to anyone but themselves. Beware of having such values imposed on you - unless of course they suit your needs, Beware of people who tell you things like 'BDSM Ettiquette demands....'  or  'This is the way it is done...'

Even if you are submissive, you have a right to follow your own hopes, wishes and dreams.

Freedom of Choice

Fortunately, the BDSM world, even in Wales and the South West of England is big enough for us all to have freedom of choice.  Hence the Directory. Have a good look around, reject anything that doesn't appeal - though it's worth doing so without burning any bridges - find what suits you and try it with a degree of caution.

Enjoy yourself and have fun too.

First-time Nerves

If you get to the point of stepping out into the real life Scene, you will find yourself feeling very nervous.  This might seem strange to you,  after all you may only be about to meet some strangers in a pub at a Munch, or going to a Fetish Fair.  This is unlikely to be the real scource of your anxiety. What you are about to do is to meet a secret part of YOU that you have never in reality even acknowledged before.

Don't worry.  Nothing bad is likely to happen, in fact you will probably feel a lot happier for having done it.

Hosts of Munches and Events have seen such nerves endless times and will tell you they have never met one newcomer who has regretted taking that first step.

Uneven Numbers

Well, they say the Devil is in the detail, and this is certainly true here.  The numbers of men and women and dominants and submissives  in the Scene, and probably in the population, is uneven.  There are many more men than women.  More people of each gender are submissive.

So if you are a new dominant woman, the world is your oyster.  If you are a new  submissive woman you will be in great demand (though finding the right Dom for you may not be that easy). If you are a new male dominant, you will have your work cut out and if you are a new male submissive you will have to be on your best behaviour and work hard to find a partner, playmate.

New women on the scene are usually welcomed with open arms and single men, dom or sub will get the impression very quickly that they are about as welcome as a fart in a space-suit. If such men persist, are polite and can make the first move towards meeting others they will succeed. It's worth the effort.

Labels

Labels abound - Dom, Domme, Prodomme, sub, prosub, switch, top, bottom, fetishist, etc. and they make for an easy conversational shorthand.  But don't fall into the trap of thinkinàg that you have to have a handy label ready to explain yourself to others. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, to discover who you are, what you are interested in and how you prefer to express your interests. Even then your dispostion can change over time. If you are not sure what label to wear, don't wear one.  If anyone asks, simply say you are still working out what your preferences are. Most people will accept that, and if they won't, they aren't worth worrying about. '

Seeking a Partner - Dating  

In The Scene

Relationships in the Scene are like mushrooms in the Spring. They come and go with surprising speed.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, just a reflection of how much more difficult it can be to find the right 'fit' compared to 'vanilla' relationships.  Just take one step at a time and don't build your hopes up too soon.

When people have found the right partner their relationships can be very strong.

The best way to find a partner is to get out and about, meet lots of people, and it can  happen quite naturally.

Your chances will be improved if you have a full profile on a well-known site like informed Consent where others can read about you and your circumstances, interests, hopes and desires, though it's probably best not to be too prescriptive as your idealmate might rule themselves out on  a technicality.

Outside the Scene

It can be done, it has happened. It is though a fraught, time consuming exercise which is more likely than not to end in disappointment.

Meeting Dates

All the normal safeguards that would apply on a 'vanilla' date are apropriate: don't disclose your address, travel independently to the rendez-vous and make it clear that you will be travelling home independently and that you won't be playing or getting romantically involved,  meet in a very public place eg a bar, restaurant or cafe and stay sober.  Make sure someone knows where you are going and ask them to be concerned if you aren't in touch with them by the time you expect to be back home.

Seeking Play Partners

Seeking casual Play Partners is quite acceptable and happens a lot in the Scene.  People advertise or network easily and successfully.  All the cautions and pitfalls apply however.

Seeking Play

This is a surprisingly easy feat to accomplish if you are happy to accept a modest level  of play in public.  Several Parties, the one at Swamp for example offer the services of Resident Mistresses who will accomodate submissives, men and women, in a public play session, and organisers will more than likely be able to arrange for a male dominant to oblige a male or female submissive if asked.

Male dominants will unfortunately need to rely on their own networking and social skills and charm to find such casual Play, unless they happen upon a Pro-sub: such arrangements are usually made through a ProDomme whose adverts will indicate this possibility

Visiting Professional

Submissive men, and women, have the option of visiting Female Prodommes - Professional Dominatrixes (There are very few male professional Doms unfortunately). This is seen as quite acceptable in the Scene and no stigma is attached to it. But there is no need to talk about such visits, and the large majority of Prodommes will maintain your confidence as a matter of course.  The services offered by Prodommes vary - some provide sexual services/contact others don't.  As in any commercial arrangement it is wise to find out as much about what's on offer, and who is offering it, as possible before parting with your money.

Be wary of the lady with the beguiling salespitch who turns out to have only a few pieces of   rope,  a £2.99 Aldi riding crop and a scruffy rented flat - her heart won't be in it and she will as likely as not have no idea what she is doing. She could be harmful for your health.

It  is also wise to keep it strictly professional.   Be wary of the 'innocent' questiom 'What do you do?' If you can offer goods, skills or services of any sort you may well find yourself feeling very disappointed after being sucked into a very unequal trade whilst in the euphoric afterglow of  a play session.  And maintain your anonimity, it won't cost you anything and could save you from being embarassed or blackmailed.

Having said that, visiting a good Prodomme can be a very rewarding (and economical) option, especially when a man has family commitments he doesn't want to upset - see below.

Having a clear idea about what you want from such a visit is a very wise idea - if you don't know what you want, how will she? - and will mean you are more likely to get it

Playing Privately for the first time

Make sure that you know exactly who you are going to play with. It's not unreasonable to ask for and expect to have several forms of identification in advance, and copies to keep. Eg. passport , driving license and an utility bill.  Stores expect this before risking their credit, what will you be risking?

Safe - calls

The same as the first date.  Make sure  a friend knows where you are going, and who you are with.  Let them know when you will be back at home and ask them to be concerned if you haven't phoned them.  This isn't only a precaution against being harmed imprisoned or abducted, it is a safeguard in case you are restrained and your partner is unable to release you because of something like a heart attack.

My existing partner doesn't understand

Our interests in Fetishes and BDSM often don't become apparent or pressing until we are old enough to have formed committed relationships with others whose interests may not have developed in the same way.  This is a very difficult situation for all concerned and can cause a great deal of misery.  Clearly there is a temptation for the kinky partner to 'corrupt' their spouse and if that fails for them to play away.  Whether they try to do so in secret or openly, their long standing relationship is at risk.  In either case they  then have to decide whether or not to be open about their existing relationship when meeting other people in the Scene.  Concealing the existing relationship when getting involved with other people is viewed with just as much distaste inside the Scene as outside it.

There are no easy answers. Honesty all round seems advisable.  But it seems that someone, somewhere is as likely as not going to suffer.

Think carefully.

M4M5KINK